Breathe

There is an emptiness that dwells within me; an emptiness which is satisfied only with things of this world. I cannot explain the high I get once I take one hit of the air of the outside. I take it all in with one deep breath. Exhale. Then once again, I look for that cleansing air. I’ve hidden from the truth. I’ve ran from it. Now I find myself staring straight into a person. I have no clue who she is. Open up my eyes. Can you save me from myself? Can you save me from this world? Many a days I dream about the endless possibilities I can have. The impacts on people’s lives I may have. I want to do so much than just live on this earth. I want to live for God. Not for man, not for me, and surely not for the world. How do I do that? Surrender?.. It’s harder for me than any decision I have ever had to make. I find myself wanting more.. wanting more of God each and every day. Although I may want as much as I can, I know I have to need it. I feel a necessity to fill this void in my life. Ripped in half you find me. Broken and straying. Bleeding each and everyday, waiting for the right doctor to cleanse my wounds. Please find me in this fog I have hidden myself in. The strength is not physical. It is not mental. It is spiritual. My spirit has been bent into many, many directions. I cannot find myself. I want to break free and be the person who has been dying to get out for years. It is said in the Bible, “Through Christ, all things are possible.” If it is stated in plain black and white, and everyone knows this is true, why is it taking me so long to realize it as well. Is this my test of faith? Is this God teaching me to find my own self in His image? How do I know what I am doing is right? How do I know it satisfies my God? Will I ever truly feel Him? I can’t say I have felt God before. When I praise Him, I get chills that send a rush through my whole body. I feel a calmness within myself and a sense of joy. How can I feel that forever?